Introduction and Author's Note

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For those familiar with the Terry Luvello stories, you know I’ve had three Cleveland-based detective/noir novels published in the last three years. 

For my fourth novel, I wanted to try something different. I’m Perfect – Why Aren’t You? is a humorous look at the life of a father serving as the primary caregiver for his young son and daughter. While my sense of humor has been described as unusual, I’m hoping this is a story everyone can enjoy. To provide the best chance of that happening, I decided to “publish” the entire novel on my website (see story links on this page).

 

Stylistically, you could call this Dave Barry meets the Cleveland suburbs, a tribute to my family and the city I call home. If that still leaves you unsure, remember - you literally can’t beat the price. A quick preview:

 

Alan Lister is a Cleveland web designer with a wry sense of humor that frequently gets him into trouble with his semi-psychotic boss, an ill-humored hospital vice president with a disturbing resemblance to Mr. Rodgers. When Alan’s wife, Alma, is offered the job of her dreams, Alan happily agrees to leave his position and consult from home, becoming a stay-at-home dad for his two young children. 

 

I’m Perfect – Why Aren’t You? follows Alan as he deals with a host of child-rearing predicaments he never remotely anticipated. These include:

Visiting the pediatrician – “God help me; he graduated from Cornell. I checked for any tell-tale signs of a Photoshop, but Dr. Ted’s diploma appeared genuine. I couldn’t help wondering if the Cornell Dean also called him Dr. Ted as my children’s future physician walked across the stage.”

 

Hosting a birthday party – “The yardstick solution resulted in a different sort of problem. While Emily could now swing with more accuracy, contact with the Piñata led to the stick breaking after only three swings. 

 

Desperate and not thinking straight, I grabbed our letter opener. I figured it was either that or a piece of rebar from our basement. Both were potentially lethal, so I chose the least heavy option. Handing the weapon to Emily, I cleared the suddenly more interested crowd of girls well back from our clothes rack Piñata. Wielding the opener like a serial killer, Emily then went to work. Blade in hand, it was like the scene from Psycho without the shower.”

 

Facing down grade school nuns – “Whatever you do, don’t make eye contact with either nun. That just sets them off, like the lions in that wildlife show we watched on TV.”
    

Pretending to coach T-Ball – “Unknown in my parents’ youth, T-Ball was designed for kids five to six years old who couldn’t throw or hit a traditional pitch if their lives depended on it. Not willing to have children put their bodies in danger, the sport’s creators decided to place the ball on a stand (or tee) supported by a base designed to look like home plate. The ball standing helplessly in front of them; they hoped kids could then hit and run the bases just like traditional baseball players. 

 

As anyone who watched a T-Ball game could attest, this hope was, at best, highly delusional. While most kids genuinely tried to hit the ball off the tee, the game’s creators never contended with the average five to six-year-old’s lack of fine muscle control. With parents watching proudly from the stands, their kids would hack at the ball with all the determination of a picnicker attempting to ward off a horde of bloodthirsty mosquitoes. The plastic tees took the brunt of the beating; most coaches brought two or three to a game to ensure a replacement for those not strong enough to survive the inevitable slaughter.”

 

While navigating these and other challenges, Alan rediscovers his childhood passion – reclaiming a part of himself he long ago feared lost.
 

Thank you, and I hope you enjoy reading the story!

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Joe Rielinger